I confessed to my family today that, “When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body.”
"Then I was born.”
There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.
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Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
This sub is going downhill
https://i.imgur.com/CJaxoIO.jpg
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
Did you hear about the guy trapped inside of a giant cucumber at the bottom of the ocean?
He was really in a pickle.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
Guacawakamole.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
The just went through a grueling 31 day March.
A sailor and a priest are out golfing.
The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor. "My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game. The sailor now attempts to chip his ball out of the brush. He gets off a good shot, but it rolls back into a sand trap. "Fuck, I missed!" he says again. "My son! Please, refrain from such sinful language! You will anger the Lord!" the priest pleads. The sailor apologizes and they continue their game. The sailor takes a whack at his ball from the sandtrap. He has a great shot, landing the ball right on the green. Still it's not good enough for him, so yet again he mutters "fuck, I missed!" The priest bursts out, yelling "my son! The Lord will strike you down should you continue in your sinful ways! You will be punished for your sins!" The sailor apologizes profusely and lines up his putt. The putt heads straight for the hole… and then runs around the rim and stays out. "FUCK! I MISSED!" the sailor exclaims, louder than before. Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt shoots from the sky. It streaks down from the clouds and hits the priest, instantly killing him. A deep, booming voice from the heavens speaks… "FUCK! I MISSED!
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.