I could really see myself making mirrors.
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A kiss can make your day
But anal will make your hole weak
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”
I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.
What does an elf have for his birthday?
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
What did one orphan say to another?
Robin, get in the Batmobile
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
I was working out my calves at the gym today.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
My friend is obsessed with monorails.
He truly has a one track mind.
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.
Then I was born.
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
A waiter once asked me: “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much…it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300Armani leather shoes.. . How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red… He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight…' Luigi gasps, 'Thank God … I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes……….!'.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.
I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza. So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfecting my “authentic” ramen recipe. Sure enough, there’s an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And there’s literally a whole aisle of shelves that’s just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive… there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle. This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever. There is no punch line.
What is the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
My wife and I just found out she’s pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book. "I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you." "Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you." "Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father… No… I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son." "Dad… I don't know what to say… I'm honoured…" "Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
I sprayed Windex on a spotted lantern fly today.
He died. It was a clean kill.
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”