I could watch this all day.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?
A laughing stock
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
No text found
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why thereโs no money in there.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but it has no atmosphere
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school
he went home and asked his mother, she said โa fool and his money are soon partedโ he asked his father, he said โask and you shall receiveโ he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, โwhere the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is provedโ he went back to school, where he coincidentally was tasked to perform a bake sale. his teacher walked by and he chanced upon this opportunity to tell his teacher the three quotes, the teacher bought a cupcake and the boy said, โa fool and his money are soon partedโ in rage, the teacher got angry and said, โi want to send you to the principals officeโ he then replied, โask and you shall receiveโ at the principals office, he was told by him that he will be punished if he does not stop such behaviour, the boy finally replied, โwhere the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is testedโ much to everyoneโs surprise the spanish inquisition arrived
Why should you never tell a secret in the country?
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers
Why isnโt there a decent setting for these toast machines?
Why isnโt there a decent setting for these toast machines?
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
Most people don’t know…
…but back in 1912, Hellmannโs mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
โชI canโt go out to buy drapes for my windows…โฌ
โชThese are uncurtain timesโฌ
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working, goodbye”
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
Airline food is disgusting
It just isnโt on the same level as homemade and restaurant food
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.
So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!" My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
A Cowboy walks into a bar
Two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left. Who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of Yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellow's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly claims, FORD, because 'Quality is Job One.'' Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY….'Like A Rock!" and gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked,"Why Secret? That's a women's deodorant." The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
I knew i recognized live-action Firelord Ozai from somewhere
I knew i recognized live-action Firelord Ozai from somewhere
โWaitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?โ
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …โThe men I please are none of your damn business!โ
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “One whiskey and ………………. one coke.
"Why the big pause?" – says the bartender. "I don't know. I was born with them" – says the bear.
My dad has a camera pointing at the river outside
He likes to keep up with current events.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking weed.
The judge says: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday to see how you got on" On Monday, the judge asks the first guy: "How did you do over the weekend?" Guy 1: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever" Judge: "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " Guy 1: "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this; O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" Guy 2: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 350 young guys to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "350 people! How did you manage to do that?" Guy 2: "Well, I used a similar diagram, I drew two circles like this; o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison………….."
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasnโt putting in enough shifts
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He canโt find the library, so he finds another student on campus. โExcuse me, do you know where the library is at?โ The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, โMy good sir, here at Harvard we donโt end our sentences with prepositions.โ The country boy replies, โMy apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?โ
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
Itโs a small scale operation.
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Calculate your next travel destination for 2020. Guaranteed to be 100% accurate
https://ift.tt/2Y6EHCK
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old
Then she looked in the freezer