I couldn’t remember if the sun rose in the east or the west
and then it dawned on me
I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
There’s a magician who can fold even the highest-quality guitars in half.
He's known as "the Fender bender".
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
Australians don’t have sex
They mate
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
The Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
Wanna know what gets me down
Stairs
Where did the Swedish cross country race end?
The Finnish line
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
Why are we running out of toilet paper?
Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
What do you call a state when it gets married?
Missus-sippi. (buh-dum, tss)
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.
So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought… She couldn’t stand to leave me.
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
https://ift.tt/2u4Mi83
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.