I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “
She threw things at me
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
My boyfriend asked me why I like showering in boiling hot water
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
A big shout out to sidewalks
They kept me off the streets
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
Just remember you are someone’s reason to smile.
Because you're a joke.
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
What do you call two boobs that are identical?
Identities.
My girlfriend said, “I want a ring.”
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.