I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout.
They get really annoyed
It was my longest running joke of the year.
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around. Everyone else : 🙄
Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.
Because fish swim in schools.
Doctors describe his condition as stable
“My roof has disappeared”
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
certain circumstances funny
But I laugh more.
It’s pasture bedtime.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? Everyone knows… You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
but it’s definitely up there.
I don't see the use of water with holes
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
No text found
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
To take a photo in front of a church.
The plot thickens.
That was a pain in the ass.