I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
All of the above.
What. And I can’t stress enough…. The Fuck
Pay for WinRAR. Support Programmers.
Vectors are more than lines with both direction and magnitude
Found on fb
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
I have three of them
“What’s the most american thing” asked and answered on the front page
Better Late Than Never
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
Gift for the Coworker who obviously lied on their resume
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
What Drumpf’s own people had to say about him…
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
Disney acquiring the Star Wars Franchise
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Is it still PoliticalHumor when it’s this painful?
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.
He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit, and she asked him if there was anything he could do. The undertaker told the widow that he would do what he could and to come back in three days. When the widow returned three days later, she found her husband in his coffin, wearing a stunning blue suit. She was overcome with gratitude and asked the undertaker how he'd managed this. The undertaker replied, not half an hour after you left, a lady brought in her late husband, who was wearing a blue suit. She told me how he'd always wanted to buried in a grey suit, but she couldn't afford a new one, so I told her I'd see what I could do and to return in three days. After she'd left, I checked and he was about the same height and build as your husband so I swapped the heads.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
“Meme the periodic table” starter pack
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
Asking for a friend…
When your employer tries to tell you which IDE to use
Call me water because online school got me bent
Being a programmer is easy!!
Found this gem
What We Say to Cats
A young kid came upto me and said “Can I please have a cigarette?” I was astonished.
Kids these days have such great manners
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who? Me: Yes, they were good too.
He’s got a point
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
For real though
Maybe a bit too much?
Some marital jokes should never be told.
What do you call a group of mountains?
It’s C++++ guys
You and everyone here buddy.
My grandma strikes again (young people in 90′. Young people in 2020
This one made me exhale from my nose and smile.
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
Last Night’s Debate Was Fun, Right?
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
It’s not socialism, because I’m a farmer!
never believe, it’s not sooo
Halloween decoration near my house.
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
Apparently “I’m sorry” and “My bad” are same thing
unless you're at a funeral [Demetri martin]
Marriage bad, abuse good.
That guy looks sorta familiar…
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
Loading in third perspective
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Programmer good, users bad