I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.
He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit, and she asked him if there was anything he could do. The undertaker told the widow that he would do what he could and to come back in three days. When the widow returned three days later, she found her husband in his coffin, wearing a stunning blue suit. She was overcome with gratitude and asked the undertaker how he'd managed this. The undertaker replied, not half an hour after you left, a lady brought in her late husband, who was wearing a blue suit. She told me how he'd always wanted to buried in a grey suit, but she couldn't afford a new one, so I told her I'd see what I could do and to return in three days. After she'd left, I checked and he was about the same height and build as your husband so I swapped the heads.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
A young kid came upto me and said “Can I please have a cigarette?” I was astonished.
Kids these days have such great manners
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who? Me: Yes, they were good too.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
Apparently “I’m sorry” and “My bad” are same thing
unless you're at a funeral [Demetri martin]
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
