I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
What’s the best reward for a knock knoc joke?
A no-bell price
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
I have the best doctor
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
Buzz busted.
Buzz busted.
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
Naked painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
Are you todayβs date?
Because you are 10/10
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
Itβs like finding a needle in a haystack.
Whatβs the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?
Oneβs a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
Cashier: Scans Condoms
βDo you need a bag sir?β Me: Jesus, sheβs not that ugly
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.