I did a thing. Seriously though, I should probably finish my college apps.
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
I had a car crash the other day.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
What happened to the frogs car when it broke down?
It got toad away.
I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina…
Allow me to demenstruate.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.
As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!" "At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven." The girls agree, and start climbing. On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears. On the 77th step, the brunette can't hold in her laughter, and disappears. On the 99th step, the blonde begins to laugh. Before making her disappear, God asks, "You were so close, why would you start laughing." To which the blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
