I did Nazi that coming
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
Don’t Stop
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.” When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “
“Ok, ask away” God said. “Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked. “the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted. The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn’t really exist…
…we would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Day 173 without sex
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
People in I’m r/im14andthisisdeep said that this comic would fit in this subreddit
https://ift.tt/2QFLn5b
Our front door was locked, so I tried to force it open.
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end…
But a beautiful finish
Catholic school girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
i think i’m part of the demographic that made yellow paint a thing
i think i’m part of the demographic that made yellow paint a thing
The Cringe is strong here “Hey everyone! I’m a programmer and this is a programmer shirt!”
https://ift.tt/36At2xd
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.