I did nazi this virus coming
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
Why do seagulls travel over the sea?
Because if they traveled over the bay, they’d be bagels
If you think climate change is bad now wait until our aerosol hairspray usage goes up 5000%
https://ift.tt/2Qaa2Qp
What do you call a child born in a whore house?
A Brothel Sprout
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
My girlfriend told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo..
That's when I had to put my foot down.
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
My girlfriend wants me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Boy, do I have some news for her.
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
Pilot, copilot joke.
Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges. They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps. They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps. The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps. They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps. They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.
The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the first time in 20 years. He is ecstatic and decides to treat himself to some new things. He decides the first thing he’s going to buy is a suit. So, he goes to the finest men’s store in town and tells the tailor he wants a new suit. The tailor says he can help and that he’s pretty good at measuring people just by looking at them. He tells the guy that he looks like he wears a 42 Regular suit. The man remarks that the tailor was exactly right, and the suit fits perfectly. The tailor asks him if he’d considered getting new shoes. The man hadn’t, but decides to treat himself. The tailor looks at the man’s feet for a second and comes back with an 11-wide shoe. Again, a perfect fit. Finally, the tailor asks the man if he’d like anything else, perhaps some socks or underwear. Being as the man recently had surgery, he decided to get some new underwear. The tailor looks at him and says that he will go get some 38 underwear. The man laughs and says, “Ah, I’ve finally stumped you. I wear 34 underwear.” The tailor looks at him and reply’s, “No you don’t, if you wore 34 underwear, it would hold your testicles too close to your body, pinch the nerves, and give you headaches.”
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
?
I hardly know her!
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws
Outlaws are wanted
I’m sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.
It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives. The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college. On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening. Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him. At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02. The bartender was astounded– he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!" I will not apologize.
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!