I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. "If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth". The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound". The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door". The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
When You Realize That WWE Is Nothing Like High School Wrestling
When You Realize That WWE Is Nothing Like High School Wrestling
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
How do the earth’s tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
When is a car no longer a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House…
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes: Mexican contractor: 3 million Italian Contractor: 7 million Israeli Contractor: 10 million After a while Trump asked the Mexican – Why did you ask for 3 million. The Mexican said:-One million in paint, one million in labor and one million profit. He asked the Italian why he was asking 7 million. Italian replied:-3 million in high quality painting, 2 million in specialized workforce and 2 million gain. He asked the Israeli why he was asking 10 million. The Israeli responded: Don Trump my friend – 4 million for you, 3 million for me, And with the 3 million leftovers we pay the Mexican to paint!!!
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy…
At least, that’s what she said in her diary
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head