I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
I’d lose my shit if someone snuck laxatives into my food
No text found
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
I overheard this guy whispering Pokemon jokes to a friend
But I couldn't catch them all
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
A dollarpede
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
What do you call Batman when he skips church
Christian bale.
Son: “mom, dad… I’m gay”
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
To the person who stole my glasses, I’m warning you
I have contacts.
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
Another character unlocked
Another character unlocked
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down?
He keeps a log.
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
hope this hasnt been posted already, but here goes
what did the buffalo say to his son when he left? bi-son
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..
…he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these headaches" Bill shocked and scared asks the doctor "what should i do doc" Doctor sighs and tells Bill "im sorry only thing we can do is castrate you" . Bill is shocked , he shudders at the thought of getting his balls cut off . He tells the doctor he’ll think about it and leaves. He thinks about it for sometime and finally after working up the courage he goes back to the doc and agrees to do the procedure . Finally after a long long painful surgery Bill walks out a new man. He walks around for the first time without his balls and tries not to think about his loss. He walks around and passes by a suit store he tells himself 'I am a new man today!…let me buy my new self some clothes” . He goes in and asks the owner "sir can u get me a blazer" the owner looks at him and says "one blazer coming up size 13" bill is amazed that the guy was able to tell his size by just looking at him and says "damn how'd u know" the owner answers "been in the business 50 years" bill tells him “ ok then let me get pants" the owner says "one pair of pants coming up size 35 waist" again bill is amazed he asks the guy "how did u know?" .."been in the business 50 yrs i know it all" Bill still surprised asks him "how about a pair of underwear" the owner looks at him and says "one pair of underwear size 10 coming up" bill jumps up and says "ha you were wrong im a size 8 been wearing 8 for 40 years " the owner looks at him concerned and retorts”well you shouldnt have ….8 is too small ,it will make your balls press up against your spine and give you a crazy headache".
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.