I died when I saw this. Of course I respawned though.
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
I used to be addicted to not showering…
I’m proud to say I’m officially clean!
POV: you’re playing summer time saga and you take the eve path
POV: you’re playing summer time saga and you take the eve path
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Why can’t you use “Beef stew” as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
I was reading a horror story in braille..
Something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it…
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, every dance move going…
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.
As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck. The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.” The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.” BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman. Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!” BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels. While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said “you have one wish left.” The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the buildings transformation. The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!” BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored bu her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered “Too bad you had me neutered.”
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.