I discovered eggs Benedict is best served on a vintage hubcap.
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.
The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.” The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell. The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.” And he was sent to Russian hell. A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was. The American replied, ” It’s not too bad actually. It’s comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?” The Russian replied, “I feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.”
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
I thought my son was straight.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
A dollarpede
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
Never tell a secret in a cornfield
There are too many ears
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…I’m one of them.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old…
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued. "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00"
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
