I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.
But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
What concert costs $0.45?
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau…
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
https://ift.tt/2ZQDv57
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'” The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."
Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.
But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test …
… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Why doesn’t the moon shave?
Because it waxes
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.