I dont
Two wind turbines in a field
One turns to the other and says "what kind of music are you into?" The other one replies "I'm a big metal fan"
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
My wife is really angry because I have no sense of direction
So I just packed up my things and right
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
No text found
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’
‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’ ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’ ‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
What did the horse say when it fell down?
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..
..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water. After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or telling tall tales. All in all the young man feels as if he has found his calling. A few weeks go by like this, the young man loving his new life except one part.. There are no women. After a couple of months like this, he is starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation and voices his complaints to his shipmates one evening. "Why don't you just use the barrel?" Asks one of his mates with a surprised look .It turns out that down in the hold, in a dark corner there is a barrel, with a hole drilled into the side.. Whenever the sailors start to feel their urges rise, they simply go down to the barrel and take care of their business there. The young man decides, with some scepticism, to try the barrel, and finds to his surprise that it is a wholly pleasant experience, in no way lesser than any he has had with real women before. With this new found release the young man starts to enjoy his work even more. His days continue as before, and his evenings are still spent in pleasant company, but a new addition to his routine is a nightly visit to the barrel. Another two months pass in this way and all is well, until one night as he gets up from his seat at the card table and announces that he is going to visit the barrel to his mates.A few chuckles greet this announcement and one of his friends asks "Trying to get the final fun out of it eh?" "Final fun? Are we getting rid of the barrel?" The young man asks, worry playing over his face. "Not at all mate, it's just that.. next month is your turn in the barrel."
Why did the spy cross the road?
He didn't. He was never really on your side.
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.