I don’t always eat a dick, but when I do, I do it with the kids…
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
I have a fear of giants
Feefiphobia.
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
Why did the man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
“No one under FBI investigation should be able to run for president!” – Trump, 2016
https://ift.tt/38wtaz4
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
My marriage is like a fairytale
A witch is waiting for me at home
As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete…
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…