I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
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The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism
Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
TUTORIAL: “How to Fall Down the Stairs”
Step 1: Step 4: Step 9: Step 15:
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
I starting wearing depressing outfits
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
I made a chemistry joke yesterday in class
It had no reaction.
I tripped over my girlfriends bra
seemed to be a booby trap.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
Guy walks into a bar. He sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it’s for.
"I have a horse in the stable behind the bar. You put in twenty bucks and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, the whole jar is yours but if you fail then you're out twenty bucks." So the guy puts in twenty, goes to the stable and a minute later the horse is laughing hysterically. Guy walks back to the bar and without saying a word to the bartender, who has a stupefied look on his face, takes the jar of twenties and leaves. A year later the same guy comes back to the bar and sees another jar full of twenties. He asks the bartender what it's for this time. "Well, ever since you came in here last year, my damn horse hasn't stopped laughing. You put in twenty bucks and if you can make him stop laughing the jar is yours." The guy puts in another twenty and goes to the stable. A minute later, dead silence. Not a sound from the horse. Guy walks back and picks up the jar. As he's about to leave, the bartender says "Hey wait a minute. You gotta tell me how you made my horse laugh and stop laughing when everyone else couldn't do either." The guy says "The first time I told your horse that my dick is bigger than his. The second time I proved it."
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
That’s a ton of money!
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol…
One gent stops to discuss the matter: “See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?” “Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing. “Well listen- wouldn’t it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?” The nun thinks about it, then says- “Perhaps you’re right.” “Okay! Now we’re talking! What would you like to try?” “I’ve heard something about a… Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon.” “Comin’ right up, Sister!” The guy walks in and orders a Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon. The bartender goes- “A Fuzzy Navel with a twist of le— IS THAT NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?!?”
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted.
What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
To the person who took my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy!
It will look terrible until you start getting used to it, then anything new you get will look terrible again.
It will look terrible until you start getting used to it, then anything new you get will look terrible again.
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
If Wonder Woman walks around aimlessly, she is
Wander Woman.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!