I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too farty
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
One day, a wife came home early.
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war…
…5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
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For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
I used to be addicted to not showering…
I’m proud to say I’m officially clean!
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear…
is sphere itself.
My penis was once on the Guinness book of world records
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
![Waiting for that message [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/avl5oiV-400x417.jpg)
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
Two wrongs don’t make a right…
But two Wrights make a plane.
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
Holocaust survivor dies
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.” The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
“I’m sure my wife won’t like this”
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizziscian
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry