I don’t even care if I get this question wrong I have to chose this answer.
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
I will never make an elevator joke
I refuse to go that level
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
If you boil a funny bone what does it become?
A laughing stock!
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, …
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
Three men died and ended up in Hell…
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
Why didn’t Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
You can actually nut during November.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
I told my plumber I was appalled to find my shower would only work for my Caucasian friends.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Hands down
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
Shrödinger’s Homo Thought Experiment
I would like to take this time to discuss the thought experiment of Schrödinger’s Homo. You all have probably heard of Schrödinger’s Cat, as well as people saying “no homo” after a seemingly homosexual type of interaction. I believe there is a problem in this philosophy. If you do not think, or say anything that implies the existence of there being homo, then therefore, we do not know if there is homo in the situation. However, by saying “no homo”, you immediately imply the possible existence of homo in the situation, and therefore, there is homo and you have ruined the entire situation. Therefore by saying “no homo” it does actually mean that it is homo.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with “I”
Bobby: I is… Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
A porn actor calls in sick
"I can't come today"
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.