I don’t even know what to say.
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?” She said “you’re fuckin ugly”
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
I didn’t always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months and
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
![[image] School time memory](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/pu2p8rrncej41-400x383.png)
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
R Kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.
Shit, wrong thread.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.
https://ift.tt/38mdDRT
