I don’t even know.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
It was about time.
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
50 cent ft. Nickelback
One asks, do you smell fish?
He orders a bear.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
It shall me mist
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
He was clearly out of the loop.
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
It hasn’t come out yet!
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
I couldn't put my finger on it….
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
You could say it's very prophetable.
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.