I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but it’s already been changed three times today.
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?
One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
https://ift.tt/2siOYhJ
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.
What did the zero say to the 8?
Nice belt
What did the mummy say after his therapy session?
Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps
what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?
a micro transaction
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Because Monday is a weekday…
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsssss
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
Winnie the
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
Is buttcheeks one word…
Or should I spread em apart?
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
https://ift.tt/3b882iR
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.