I don’t get Indian memes
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the bestβ¦
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn ~-leaves-
“The 24th of December is Christmas Eve”
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
I have the opposite of an amputee fetish.
I am lack toes intolerant.
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: Itβs a bit hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant
I couldnβt find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didnβt really work though, I only got 20% off
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
Enough with the βIβll see you next yearβ jokes on New Yearβs!
Those jokes are a decade old now!
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
I won’t do any threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
would I just have beer?
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
How does music say goodbye
Audios
An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.
They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise. St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much will this cost us?" asked the husband. "Nothing," St. Peter responded. "This is Heaven- everything is free!" Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. "This is… stupendous," the wife asked. "What are the green fees?" Again, St. Peter said "Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of." Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat. "How much-" "Again, free," St. Peter responded to the wife. "This is Heaven." The husband paused. "Well… this is all nice, but… do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options…?" St. Peter chuckled. "In Heaven, you don't have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick." Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man's wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier. "What's the matter???" the wife asked. "Why aren't you happy here???" The man responded, "This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren't for your fucking 'bran muffins' and 'paleo chicken' recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!"