I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
A lady comes home from her doctor’s
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
BKβs new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
BKβs new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Wanna feel old?
Wait
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys…..
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
Three dads are stranded on a boat
Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads βNow the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!β.
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I donβt always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
What did the bean say to the other bean?
How you been?
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
An art thief broke into the Louvre.
Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings. He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police. "I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?" To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"
My son gets to play a frosted cinnamon biscuit in the school play!
It's a sweet role!
There is a vibe for this guy. Best salesman of the year.
There is a vibe for this guy. Best salesman of the year.
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
My son asked today β Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?β
I answered βWhy would you think that?β He said βWell, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists thereβ.