I don’t know about you..
Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.
Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma. He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no one would see. So, he decided that he would do it. The husband goes into the room, and the nurses gathered outside of the room with their eyes glued to the monitor, hoping something would come of it. Suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines. The nurses are shocked. The husband comes out of the room, and the nurses immediately ask him what happened. He responds, "I think she choked."
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Christen Joke
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
I thought of a great joke about a boomerang, but I forgot it.
It will come back to me.
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
I starting wearing depressing outfits
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
“Why are you telling me this story about a male hen?” I asked the bartender, confused.
He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
An old woman asks her husband of 60 years
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
My Science Teacher don’t know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
I mean, to be frank
I'd have to change my name
I was in a job interview today
When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."
The creator of mad libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. “Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.” The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. “Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.” The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. “Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.” The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. “Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!” The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?
You call them antisemantic!
Nine months isn’t really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
🌽🌽🌽 He was out-standing in his field 🌽🌽🌽