I dont know i still follow r/dankmemes
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
What rises when you sit on it?
A camel.
I accidentally joined an organization…
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
There was a man named John Odd
There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that. So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn't want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing. So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but everytime someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To take a photo in front of a church.
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years
We’re trying a new technique. We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through PLEASE WAKE UP
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
Africa only has two seasons
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
https://ift.tt/3dPzkNv
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
I’ve gone and confused the words ‘Yakuza’ with ‘Jacuzzi’
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
My son, starting a conversation: You know, Dad…
Me: Of course I know him. He's me.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
I was going to share a joke about planes.
But I do not think it will take off.
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.