I don’t know if he’s serious
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
It gets jalapeño face.
All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together. The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for breakfast?" Her son replies "I'll take some fruit loops bitch." The mother immediately smacks the kid upside the head and sends him back to his room. She turns to the boys friend and says "I'm so sorry you had to see that, what would you like for breakfast?" The boy looks a little scared a replies "I don't know, but definitely not fucking fruit loops."
She looked surprised
Ah, this one got me good 😀
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker
Religion brought them together
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr. “I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man. “Have you tried birth control?” “I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!” “Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?” “I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!” Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?” “I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
He's my father in law
I chose Caerphilly.
I was beside myself.
Because the other side has all the moonshine
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There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl. They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to help them live for as long as possible. He broke the news to his friends, and they weren't too happy about it, but they decided to go along with it anyways, because they knew how out-of-shape they all were. It was tough for them all to stick to the plan at times, however they got through it together. They each lost between 120-140 pounds over the course of 20 years and were in amazing shape for their age. One day the 3 of them were given great news. Bert got a call, he answered it, then turned around to everyone and said: "Guys! My daughter just had a child! I'm going to be a grandpa!". Everybody was celebrating for Bert when Earl got a call from his son. He answered it, and turned around to everybody and said: "Guys! My son is going to get married today! I'm so excited!". Everybody was now celebrating for Bert and Earl, when Chester got a call. He answered it, turned around and said to everybody: "Guys! My family is having a reunion today! I'm going to see so many people that I haven't seen in years!". They found out that the wedding, hospital, and park where the reunion was were all in the same town, and decided to carpool together to get there. It had snowed a little the day before and the roads were a little icy. As they were getting onto the highway, their car slipped and ran into a semi-truck. It killed all three of them. The three of them wake up together in heaven. They notice an angel standing over them and one of them asks "Where are we?". The angels says: "Congratulations, you made it to heaven". The angel decides to show them around the place and starts at a banquet. "Here is a banquet for you three to enjoy, you've earned it". Chester looks a little sad, and Earl notices and asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester finally speaks up, "Okay, this is so nice of you to put together, but we're on a diet. I wouldn't want to overdo my calorie intake for the day". The angle replies to them, "No worries, you can have as much food as you like without worrying about it". The guys are elated by that news, when the angel decides to show them another place. Next, the angel decides to show them a place where they can spend time having fun. He shows them to a massive building with games everywhere you look. There are at least 50 pool tables, 30 bowling alley lanes, people are playing poker, there are arcade games everywhere, and tons of people enjoying themselves. He tells them, "This is where you may spend much of your time, if you choose. Many people enjoy it here and you might find some new friends". The guys really like this room, but Earl notices that Chester is looking sad again. Earls asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester responds with, "My wife left me because of my gambling problems, I don't want to disappoint anyone else because of it. I'm afraid I wont be able to enjoy this area". The angel then slightly irritated lets him know, "Don't you see? There are no problems here. You don't have to worry about gambling issues, because money isn't an issue here". Chester is especially happy to hear that news, and the angel decides to show them where they are going to live. The angel finally takes them to the third place, and it is a huge mansion. The guys are led inside, when the angel says, "This is where you three can live, if you choose to. Otherwise we have some other mansions, if you want to live alone". The guys are very intrigued by the house, they notice a big window on a wall with an amazing view. They could see for at least 5 miles clearly. They all can't help but gasp when looking through the window. Earl can't help but be concerned about this place. He decides to ask, "So, uh… What's the rent here?". The angel looks back at them with an irritated glare are replies "Nothing? It's free". Earl is sure to thank the angel and says, "Wow! That's so kind of you guys!". Bert notices that Chester is looking a little sad. Bert says, "What's wrong Chester? Isn't it amazing here?". Chester looks up, looks Bert in the eye and says a little mad, "If it weren't for your goddamn diet. Bert. We could've been here 20 years ago!".
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
That would be admitting that 2021
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
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Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Or should I spread them apart
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
The parents see the boy and he runs off to his room. The mother puts on her robe and goes into the boys room The boy ask his mother what she was doing. “You know how daddy has a big stomach? Sometimes mummy has to get on top of daddy and flatten it.” “You’re wasting your time” says the boy. The mother confused asks “what do you mean?” “Well when you go to the supermarket the woman next door comes over and blows him back up.”
There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island. One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent small portions of their armies. Kingdom A sent 15 knights and 25 squires; kingdom B send 20 knights and 25 squires and Kingdom C sent one knight and one squire. The knights decided among themselves that this fighting was beneath them and decided to let the squires settle things by themselves. While the squires of Kingdom A and Kingdom B were warming up, the squire of Kingdom C erected a tall pole, tied a noose to it and hung a pot in the noose. When they actually started fighting, the squire of kingdom C was able to successfully fight off all the other squires, because the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
They’re just so remarkable…
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
He’ll be born in March.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.