I don’t know if this counts but
She wanted to see the task manager.
But then it grew on me.
I'll shoot first.
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
we just clicked
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
It's a re-warding job.
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
She got a second wind.
…prove that you're second to nun.
I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived
I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!
He looked at me and said – It’s ok. I can stop anytime
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
"What was that for?" I asked, shocked. To which he replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. I drive people away."
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
To render the buildings on the other side.
I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.
He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
they were cooked in grease
If you can't come, let me know.