I… Don’t know what to say
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
I asked my Mom if I was ugly…
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
Did you hear about the actress who got stabbed?
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
The creator of mad libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
I tried the “If you love something, set it free” thing.
But my kids are still here.
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
Clean.
http://bit.ly/2UPYocB
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.” The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy” The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
How do scarecrows fix flat tires?
They use a pumpkin patch!
This is the only joke I have ever thought of that was (maybe) worth reposting
Long ago, in a land with giants and dragons there lived a very successful man. He made his wealth trading furs, dire wolf cloaks, unicorn hide gloves, tanned kraken belts, dragon scale boots, he traded in them all. This man, however had stopped sitting for any reason, so he would often dominate a room with his tall stature and commanding presence. Why? You may ask, and that is simple, he would always fall out of any seat in which he sat. His mantra began as much as an explanation as it was a focus during long hours of debate, trade, or travel: ”I am bad at sitting.” Those around him believed him cursed, to find a seat was thought impossible. The man was simply very bad at sitting correctly, and due to his stubbornness he decided it was the chairs fault and not his own. This lead to many, often funny circumstances, and harrowing adventures. Using his vast wealth and political connections he sought help from the greatest mages of the east. The mages, certain they could create a chair of such comfort, and natural balance that there is no way the man could fail to sit in it properly. Alas, the man could not get comfortable or remain seated for more than a few moments, and thus he shunned the mages for their incompetence. After the unfortunate failings of the mages he traveled to the west, where the greatest warriors in all the realms of man made their homes. He went from town to town, seeking the greatest of all the warriors, he found and gathered the greatest swordsman, the greatest axe wielder, the greatest archer, the greatest tracker, and even the master of the arenas: who was the finest duelist in the world. From a traveling circus he gathered the best acrobats, those who could walk a quarter inch tightrope for miles without difficulty, with the ability to train others to do the same. The master swordsman was an ancient woman, who taught the merchant patience greater than any other man. The axe wielder trained him in strength, that he was among the strongest men on earth. The Archer taught him the bow, and to hold a steady position for hours, despite his body’s protests. The tracker taught him how to move lightly, he gained such control of his body he could traverse a lightly frozen pond without breaking the ice, or leaving a trace. The arena master taught him to duel, and how to maintain his focus in any circumstance. The acrobats taught him such balance that he could sit upon a sphere of stone, which sat upon a single spike of iron, and maintain this position for days. After years of training, and becoming one of the finest warriors, strongest men, best archers, most capable hunters, an equal to the master of the arena in a duel, and the third finest acrobat in the world, he still could not sit correctly in a chair. He could stand on a chair, he could sleep while balanced on the back of the chair, but he could not sit as he should. He tried for months, patient as the stone he would perch upon. After 17 more Moons, he decided that though he had not given up, perhaps he should seek knowledge and skill that man could not provide. He traveled far to the north, through frozen passes, over the highest mountains, and descended the deepest valleys. He had to hunt to survive, and all those he traveled with died on the untamed mountains. He moved boulders five times his size, he traversed hills that mountain goats would gawk at. In due time, he came to a great cave: the place he had lost so many friends – and so much time – to find. He ventured into the cave, searching for the great white dragon, said to be as ancient as time itself. Upon spotting the man, the dragon roared, loud enough to shake the mountains, and deafen any mortal, but the man stood firm, able to keep his calm in any situation. The dragon, seeing this, used magic to heal the old merchant’s ears, and said ‘What do you want, a human of such strength and skill to reach me, and such nerve as to not cower before me?’ Though the merchant did not understand the language of dragons, he thought he understood the intent of the question. The man said “I am among the wealthiest merchants of the world, the strongest men on this plane, the finest hunter, and tracker known to man, an equal to the legendary duelists of the world, yet I can not sit in a chair. The greatest teachers of men, and the best enchanters in the land could not train me, nor use magic to cheat me, into comfort, or even long term discomfort in a chair. I am simply bad at it. Unfortunately, the dragon did not know the human language very well, and due to gross miscommunication ate the man whole. However, the man did not die, as he lay in the stomach of the dragon, he simply waited, knowing his life had come to an end. Three days passed, the dragon feeling more and more ill as time went on. On the fourth day the dragon’s mate returned, and asked him what was wrong. The Ancient dragon of the north replied “It must have been something I ate, it’s just not sitting right”
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!