I don’t know where I found this, but somehow I did.
R.I.P Boiling water,
You will be mist.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
The past, present and future walk into a bar
It was tense
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.
Here’s a joke about my browser history:
[deleted]
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
I
J
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
As screenshot of a share of a photo of a computer with a bad joke on facebook
https://ift.tt/2MZuMbF
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
“Mommy i want that balloon” = A baby that keeps pointing at balloons = Pointer 😂
https://ift.tt/2p1zoFy
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again……
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug’
An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station…
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…
John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" It was in his car Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" There were no weapons Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" There were no bodies in the trunk Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow
They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces. The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining." Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minutes until they see the local Communist officer, Comrade Rudolph, walk past. The husband says to his wife, "Look, dear, there's Comrade Rudolph, our local Communist officer. He always knows the truth. We''l ask him!" With that, the husband shouts, "Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?" Comrade Rudolph looks to the sky and says, "Raining," the continues on. The wife looks at her husband and says, "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
If lightning always follows the path of least resistance
Why doesn't it only strike in France?
Fibonacci is my personal trainer.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
I ate a clock yesterday and it was very time consuming.
especially when I went for seconds
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
I don’t trust stairs
They are always up to something.
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.