I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
My girlfriend repeatedly kept calling me a flamingo!!
So I had to put my foot down
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
then you're a simpson.
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
A pun walks in and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead.
Velcro is such a rip-off
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Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
Wife hates husband, likes cat (sorry for the bad editing, had to translate improfessionally)
https://ift.tt/33B5PJY
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.