I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesn’t believe me.
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
Comic Sans walks into a bar. “Get out of here!” Shouts the bartender…
…”we don’t serve your type!”
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!" The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!" As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful." The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes…
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like shit,” guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
Me: I’m terrified of the Backstreet Boys
Therapist: Tell me why? Me: screams
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
The hairdresser asked me how I wear my hair.
I said, "Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava."
What does a house wear
Adress
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
What was the name of the werewolf YouTuber?
Lycan Subscribe
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
‘NSFW’ A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.
So a worker asks the owner: -What should we do? -Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks. So the worker goes to Jimmy: -Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks? -With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you cut it from my salary?
Whiteboards are remarkable.
No text found
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
atlantis in the bathroom ???
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
3 Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.''What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter . My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase .. . In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…