I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
The doggy swinging is funny, however the old scene kinda makes me sad at the same time?
https://ift.tt/2WP2S5P
Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!" The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
Daughter going through coupons for shopping trip.
I say "Are any of those gray?" She groans and says "How do you live with yourself?" I respond " I don't, I live with your mother".
Welcome to invisibility class
Disappointing to see so many of you here
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
I ate too much alphabet soup
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
Otherwise
No text found
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
Would you remarry if I die……
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question…. WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: — silence — HUSBAND: "Shit."