I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)
Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together. "Is this your first child?" says the older woman. "No," says the younger woman. "I have another." "I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace." "Oh, how nice." Said the young woman. "After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "So, what has your husband gotten you?" "Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school." "Is that so?" "Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her ”throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I can’t do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line I’m all set
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells…
Does that make them shotgun snails?
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery…
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do? Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
Congratulations, r/Jokes! You are now featured as the most eco friendly subreddit of 2019!
Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up he had 400.
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
So, no nut November has been over for about a week…
About how long should it take for them to grow back?
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowntain
If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
why cant you hear the pterodactyl pee
because its dead
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…