I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh… No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
I took two pairs of socks golfing
In case I got a hole in one
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies. The other six dwarfs start to giggle. "Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists. "No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly. The dwarfs begin to laugh even more. "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud. "Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" "No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
I’ll never forget my dogs last words…
“You took too much acid.”
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
Poor old man…
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!