I don’t normally post my own stuff but
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
What’s it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?
Peter Parking.
I tripped over my wife’s bra….
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow that has been knighted? Sir Loin What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash? Kobe Beef
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
I’ll be studying a broad.
Don’t kiss after midnight
It's not proper to kiss on a first date!
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree…
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
42M with toilet paper seeking female with hand sanitiser …
… for some good clean fun
I used to be addicted to soap….
I’m clean now.
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland