I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
![[NSFW] Too many men, very less time!](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/010dqvpm9xh31-400x385.jpg)
Did you hear about the guy who got caught pirating Captain Marvel?
He got charged with Brie Larceny
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
What do you call a group of introverts?
A paradox.
Whats the story with the building?
I've heard there is 8 stories.
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex
So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in town. Once she finds him she tells him she wants to lose her virginity to him. After they have sex the nun takes him home, reaches into her purse and gives the man $100. The man says “wow I got to take your virginity and you will pay me the sex must’ve been amazing “ The nun tells the man “ No the money is for you to buy some smaller shoes.”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? – No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
My wife left me for an Indian guy
I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
How many volunteers do we have for my army ?
"385, my liege." "Okay, round them up." "400, my liege."
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
Apparently babies start walking at around 1.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
