I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
The diagnosis came out of the purple
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
She got a second wind.
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
I took that shit to another level!
He got charged with Brie Larceny
Because he knew there was S'more to life
I've heard there is 8 stories.
Yeah me too.
So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in town. Once she finds him she tells him she wants to lose her virginity to him. After they have sex the nun takes him home, reaches into her purse and gives the man $100. The man says “wow I got to take your virginity and you will pay me the sex must’ve been amazing “ The nun tells the man “ No the money is for you to buy some smaller shoes.”
Start in England and drive West.
He called it his Run-around suit
Because they have no guts.
I decided to let him sleep
Nature’s biggest fan
I'd have 83 cents
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? – No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
It was just a spare, I guess…
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
"385, my liege." "Okay, round them up." "400, my liege."
I told him that was a blanket statement.
I simply told her we use names here
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
His hand caught fire
…that there are no peanut butter fish.