I don’t often tell dad jokes.
But when i do, he usually laughs
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
When geese make a V in the sky, why is one side always longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet. Arlene: Where'd you get that at? Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road! The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers. Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" *pharmacist faints*
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.
No text found
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be…
How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsssss
A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction…
A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they're good buoys.
I seen this while scrolling through Facebook and i think the big noses qualify enough.
https://ift.tt/2WVozS1
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.