I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
Does this count? I found it on FB from an older lady.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
helpful comment alignment guide
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Boomers are just now discovering they’re married.
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
This dumb but a good pun
My sister accidentally made a programmer joke
Kinda funny, but kinda sad
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
This is what my girlfriend has to put up with lol
funny how that works [OC]
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
I couldn’t grab my beefy machine from work so all I got is a sad dual core
r/ProgrammerHumor / r/ProgrammerHumor
Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on “How to identify if a guy is gay”.
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
I laughed, and then quickly realized some kids own this.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
Won’t someone, please think of the congressman!
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
Who need an IDE ?
Yikes! There’s a lot going on here
Hit single scientists in your area
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
Social media bad.
Found in a recent copy of The New Yorker.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Thanks aunt for sending me this one
F in the chat
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
No that’s socialism
But we knew this already.
Oh god they’re onto us! quick, act normal!
MARTHA LOOK AT THIS LOL
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
I am on a rempage to kill health cells
Found this gem
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
I am the par king
I was finally able to get my DVD player to stop playing.
I didn't think it was pause-able.
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"