I don’t think that image has been funny in any meme ever
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace
The situation changes however, when I run out of children
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
How do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
The rotation of the earth makes my day
No text found
I’m as humble as equal sign.
I know I’m not > or < than any anyone else
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs. “Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?” The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?” The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs: “Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?” The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says: “A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
Ever heard of the group of religious cannibals?
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
Apostles Creed.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have contacts.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
What do they say in Paris, TX?
Oui-haw!
Spot
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
