I don’t trust people who do acupuncture
They're all back stabbers
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom
He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.
Username checks out.
Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay Tuned!!
No text found
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good.” She walks to her husband and says, “A guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, “Aren't you gonna do anything?” He says, “I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
Everybody is shocked….
When they realize I’m not an electrician.
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
Here’s a joke about China
[redacted]
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!
![[urgent] i need a pun for my historical philosophy paper](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/no_image_card-43-400x247.png)
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too