I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it…….followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting. When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
I dunno if someone has found this before but I found it at a place im cleaning today
https://ift.tt/30ErCzz
How do the earth’s tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters…
He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
It took me 11 puns to finally make my friend laugh…
… because no pun in ten did.
Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.Edit: Proud of you guys! Thank you for following the rules!
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Why do hockey players wear so many pads?
Because they have 3 periods a game.
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
Why are blinks called “blinks”?
Because their "bi-winks".
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
Fuck Keanu Reeves
Well, that’s the plan, anyways
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
Man is at a job interview
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
