I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
I went to my local tobacconist to discover that it has been replaced by a clothing store…
Clothes, but no cigar.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
The person who invented the wheel to make life easier is so lazy
All he did was cut corners
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
NASA was preparing for the Apollo project
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer
She always runs from the ball
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?
His blood tested positive for Coke.
Mr Ed just moved next door to me a few days ago.
We’re neighbors now.
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”