I don’t….
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
LPT: If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
maybe it'll help jog your memory.
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
Who keeps the children
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.
He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."
I hear balloon prices are up
It’s due to inflation
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
It makes my heart race when my girlfriend rests her head on my leg during long road trips
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever she’s driving
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
I love the smell of my f5 key…
It is very refreshing
I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders.
This is as close as I could get though.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me…
"Just one would have been fine!"
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
What follows two eyes?
Captain.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine
The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled… But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go. Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, so he is let go. Finally, the engineer lays his head down, looks up at the blade and says, "oh, I see your problem"
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’ Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it? Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’ Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.’
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia