I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
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I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the baby Carson.
and if you don’t get that that’s the best dad joke ever…. well 🤷🏼♀️
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
Jesus at Last Supper
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
Bread is like the sun
it rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here …What's the problem,cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer, mate..!" "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: No, why would I pick you?
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
How warm is a baby at birth?
Womb temperature.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
