I drew a Boomer-Bot
I dated a twin once…
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
Gamers these days have no patience.
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
My 67 y/o quiet and shy dad wanted me to share his masterpiece across North America
https://ift.tt/39n5Cfp
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
My wife locked me outside the house because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes.
I texted her "Oh pun the door!"
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
No text found
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
What is heck?
It’s where you go if you don’t believe in gosh.
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
Help me out with my uni assignment by completing this survey :(
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeehttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.
What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?” Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!” Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9.” Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36.” And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.” But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.” The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.” Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief. Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.” By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.” Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.” The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question. Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.” The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who hated negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well
I recently started a band called 999 megabytes.
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
A man with a dog walks into a bar.
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
I had a vasectomy so I won’t have kids
But when I got home, they were still there.
I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
