I drew a graph of all my previous relationships.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
He called it his Run-around suit
… but it’s paper view only.
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
Because he conditioned it.
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
That makes me an eighth theist.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
No text found
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
I guess we are raised differently.
It was a third degree burn
For example, border security.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
"Both , now get in the van ."
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
She was afraid of kermitment
"Just one would have been fine!"
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
Police think it is race-related
He’s only got little legs.
A young woman was so depressed with her life that she decided to end it by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "Moreover, I'm lonely too and need someone to love me." The girl understood what he meant. But she nodded yes; after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her food and wine and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's fucking me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a–hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
then I remembered that taste is relative.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."