I drew this about the protests [oc]
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
The four stages of Santa Clause in a man’s life…
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
I just got back from the doctor, who told me I’m infertile.
I'm not kidding.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross…
“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
No pun in ten did.
[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…
“Oh yeah? Then you’re the King of nothing!”
A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride…
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
I’ve been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.
7th grade World history class.
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”. She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”. Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”. To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates…
After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each." The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?" She says: "Adam and Eve!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?" She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the last nun – the mother superior – and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?" Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one…" The saint lets her right into Heaven. The End.
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
how it feels trying to learn a language
how it feels trying to learn a language
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
What is the opposite of minimum?
minidad
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you won’t)
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail